Troop Crossland is the man in charge for Kalishna Football Network’s official website. Having graduated with a PhD in journalism, Troop is an expert analyst and insider for the network and often is the first to break news regarding the Kalishna Football League.
Hey folks Troop Crossland with a Columbus Day Holiday Special Week 5 Power Ranking. We at Kalishna Football Network are proud to announce this weeks power ranking as a special release to our viewers. We’d like to take this second to acknowledge our viewers, for without their support and donations made to us throughout the years, it would be impossible to do the work that we do here. With that being said sit back and buckle up for the ride. I hope you disgusting pieces of shit like the fucking masterpiece I write about your horrible, fraudulent-ass teams.
Championship Contenders
1. The Fire to Consume All (4-1)
The story of our young hero continues after he was consumed by the darkness that surrounded him and became the very thing he sought to destroy. Look at this fucking super team, you foolish, fucking mortals. Watch as your darkest nightmares unfold before your eyes as the prophecy child wins this fucking league two times in a row. The Fire had four players break 30 points. Tom Brady hit a massive 37.74, Davante Adams hit 37.6, Mike Williams with 36.5, and Jonathan Taylor with 31.9. This team entered into a phase of pure Euphoria as Jonathan Taylor smashed the 17 point minimum needed to win in the first five fucking minutes of Q1 during Monday Night Football. This team just seems to be unable to be stopped after having a humongous 825 points scored against him. I hope you welcome this team as your new leader in points for this week. Look to see this team two-peat this pathetic league.
2. Hasbulla Magomedov (5-0)
Team Hasbulla is indeed strongly holding onto the title of the last remaining non-defeated team in this entire league. His two outliers of his team soft this week are Marquise Brown with 33.5 points and Josh Allen with 36.5. With notable mention to Darrell Henderson (16.9), Tyriq Hill (14.8)and Dawson Knox (20.7), Team Hasbulla pulled out a pretty dominant victory of Catata Fish. This team seems to have the blessings of Kalishna but it’s been recently noted that he has had a relatively easy schedule this season. However, that all changes next week and it shall soon be seen if he is surviving by luck when his biggest rival returns to face him.
3.Dogshit (3-2)
This team had a pretty slow week. Not too much noticeable happened here besides Ekeler and Mike Evans. However they very luckily clutched a dub because Owner Blocc Life Blocc is a fool for not starting a WR that was actually fucking playing. Not very much to say about this team for this week, as a lot of these players had low production. However looks like this team is still a very capable threat for having a deadly Murray, Ekeler, Evans, Jones, Kupp starting lineup. As a result, this team has the second highest points scored in this league. A win is a win and this team seemed to survive its slow week and looks to rebuild next week against a freshly depleted Big Earl Dragons.
Playoff Contenders
4. Lamar HAHAHAHA (3-2)
Wow, who would expected that. Owner Boucher fucking came back in the final minute and a half of Q4 with Lamar Jackson. Without fucking Lamar Jackson this team would’ve been fucked and hope seemed nearly loss right before this game that this team had any hopes of winning. However Lamar Jackson said fuck all that and fucking crushed that with a fucking insane 41.88 points. He ended up winning by 12 points in a very uphill battle and clutched the dub and joined in on the 200 points club. Other notable mentions of this team are Derrick Henry (31.0) DK Metcalf (26.8) and Ja’marr Chase (27.9)
5. Kung Flu Killaz (3-2)
Kung Flu Killaz was in pretty commanding control of this game. Big Earl Dragons and Kung Flu Killaz seemed to have come to an agreement earlier this week in terms of trading players. Owner Reynolds was successful able to acquire Mark Andrews, while Big Earl Dragonz was able to receive TJ Hockenson. It seems that Kung Flu Killaz was able to get the better end of the deal as the difference it points were astronomical. It can’t help but be noticed that if this trade didn’t occur then there would’ve been a different result in outcome in determining the winner of this game. Kung Flu Killaz was able to rock out a dominant 171.92 points with mark Andrew’s scoring a fat fucking 41.7 points (Hockenson had 4.2…). One major problem for this team however is wondering what will happen to it after Saquon and David Montgomery got hurt. This team has effectively earned a high spot this week. However, is still considered a wild card team.
6. Blocc Boy Life (3-2)
After thoughtful consideration this team deserves to be taken down a few notches. After their two week losing streak ending with a loss of 1.4 points due to this teams incompetence of starting a non-playing team member. This combined with the lowest points for out of the (3-2) teams I truly do think 6th place is fairly reasonable. This team was only able to summon up a measly 136.8 points but only needed 1.5 points to win, however Calvin Ridley was the weak link of this previously feared team. Resulting in your second loss to your own foolishnesss. There was certainly preventative measures of this team to win.
Untouchables of this league
7. The Fucking Schultz twins (1-4)
Well out of all the Untouchables in this caste system, this team seems to have collected the best piece off of the waivers up to date. Dalton Schultz came out of fucking nowhere to make this team turn astronomically better. Antonio Brown (31.4), Robert Woods (27.0), Kamara (29.2), Dak (20.68) and Hopkins (20.7) had massive fucking games this week and was supplemented by this teams backup RB Alexander Mattison (26.3). Alas, ‘‘twas the fate of misery for this team and even their highest scoring game was enough to claim victory against The Prophecy Child.
8. Sixth Zanny (1-4)
Wow Herbert, popped the fuck off with 42.82 points. Seems as though there still is a possible chance of this team making playoffs given the absolute talent on this team but misfortune after misfortune seems to be striking this team. This team is 1-4 even after putting up 189.94. Seems as though fate wants this team to lose and that they have no hope. But it times of chaos and uncertainty it seems possible that this team can pull out some wins and sice their way into the playoffs.
9. Big Earl Dragons (1-4)
Owner Greg. What a tragic twist of fate this is for me to have found you here. After losing because you incompetently swapped TE’s with your opponent. It seems as though are destinies are intertwined as yin and yang. Where I took the Yang of light and win the entire fucking league every single year and your destiny is set as Yin of darkness where you will always get last place every single fucking league we have. Get your shit together immediately and maybe you can fend off Chris, Tyler, Omar from getting last place.
10. Catata Fish (1-4)
Every single year the clan of Ortega might falls down due to their loss of numbers. It seemed this was the case again this year for this team in the battle of Week 5. With the injuries of Russell Wilson, Michael Thomas, and CMC. Tt seems that you were never meant to leave the waffle league.
Fin.
Troop 